


You can´t ask "why" about love

by BadboyDown



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Cheating, Drama, M/M, Minor Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Park Chanyeol, Slight OOC Yixing, Yixing and Sehun are married with a kid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-10 14:17:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17427509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadboyDown/pseuds/BadboyDown
Summary: Count Zhang Yixing married nobleman Oh Sehun five years ago and made a promise with his family. In a world of grand parties and fake appearances, Sehun finds himself glancing at the cavalry officer Kim Jongin way too often.





	1. The first meeting

“How many times have I repeated that the forks must be on the left?” – Yixing sighed exasperatedly at the servants. “You can´t do anything right”

The home of the count had various paintings of the couple on the walls, equally painted by hand with exquisite designs there were pearl chandeliers and fine china. His war medals resting on their frames on the walls. As well were recently cut flowers on the vases and golden bird figures on the honeyed table.

The couple met on an arranged dinner made by Sehun´s mother and aunts. They had served various saucers hoping they´d be of the liking of a young politician Zhang Yixing. They shook hands once when they were introduced and hardly spoke during the evening. His mother tried to make small talk in between the night, but they got quickly shot down by Yixing´s polite, but cutting comments. He knew enough already about the freezing weather and the recent war news to be hearing them again in the form of court gossip. The next time they saw in another again was in front of a priest in a church with high bridges and decorated with white flowers. Sehun took a mental image that day, as the priest was reciting a part of the Bible during the ceremony, he looked out at the crowd of people in the church. Many of them who he had never met a single time before, he saw his mother´s smile turn into a pained one as she realized the mistake she had made. Her eyes glossy and the tears of emotion had become tears of regret in the middle of fall. Sehun looked back at Yixing, with a cold expression and his eyes glued to the Bible. That afternoon, a great party was held at one of the palaces to celebrate the love Sehun and Yixing were supposed to share. He remembered bitterly how beautiful was the wedding of a cavalry official, named Park Chanyeol and a brilliant lyrical singer, Do Kyungsoo if he remembered correctly. 

How he envied them from his seat at his own wedding table. Them dancing in between various other couples, swirling around with sincere smiles on their faces. How he wished for that to be for him, but he guessed it wouldn´t be on this lifetime.

There was a snow carpet over the city, but Sehun felt a different sort of coldness. The short sentences he had managed to get out of his new husband were nothing special or worth talking back. They stayed like that for the entire wedding night and for the following days. Sehun figured he couldn´t do anything to change Yixing if his interest was not particularly there either.

“ _ It´s only a piece of metal _ , you don´t have to treat people in that way” – Sehun interfered only to gain a scowl from his husband. Yixing pretended he didn’t listen to him, he took various forks and placed them harshly on one of the maids’ golden tray.

Sehun clenched his jaw in discomfort, but he didn´t do anything, but to apologize with his eyes to the servants.

Yixing rubbed the bridge of his nose and took off his round glasses. “How´s Xiao Jun?” The count sat on his usual seat at the table, waiting for breakfast to be served so he could go to the court to give fake smiles, read war reports and sign documents. Sehun, on the other hand, would spend his days looking after their four-year-old son, but when he could get away from the house, he´d just go and watch plays of the town people disguised with less extravagant clothes from the ones he was used to wearing. Once, he took a three-year-old Xiao Jun with him to a local market, where he used to go taken by his mother´s hand during his childhood. He used to be a poor child until his mother tied the knot with a rich nobleman, that raised him like his own. Little Xiao Jun was enchanted to go there, the people who still remembered Sehun chatted cheerfully to the man. There were street musicians and dogs and stray cats were running freely as so were the kids of the town. The boy in Sehun´s arms laughed at the sight of the people talking at him in weird and high-pitched voices, like the ones his grandma used to make. When Yixing found out, he prohibited Sehun from ever taking their son to  _ those sorts of places _ , he alleged it was dangerous and of poor taste to mix  _ those people _ with their family name.

“He´s still sleeping, his fever has gotten better from yesterday. The doctor said he still needs to rest until it stops” – Sehun replied from his seat on the other side of the table. The maids served hot tea on his cup and he proceeded to drink it, not before adding three spoons of sugar.

“I´ll be coming home late today, General Kim wants to take me to the ballet later with his wife,” Yixing said easily. 

“Why don't I come?” – Sehun asked bitterly as he looked at the grains of sugar dissolving in the hot water of his teacup.

“You don´t have to. It will be a business outing, nothing out of the usual reunions you hate so much” – Yixing said while maintaining his usual unbothered facial expression. If Sehun recalls correctly, the only time when he had seen his husband break character was when Xiao Jun was born. A tenderness he was surprised by and that he didn´t believe Yixing capable of.

“I don´t hate them”. Sehun replied reluctantly, even though it was true. Was his bored face too obvious?

“There´s a ball for the celebration of the Royal Cavalry in a few days, would you like to go with me?” – Yixing asked as if each word stung a little. Sehun agreed and the clothier made him a new suit, that displayed all of his medals, that instead of being show-off material of his magnificent strength and bravery, were for him, just pieces of painted metal handed down by his step-father.

“I still can´t believe you managed to make your husband bring you to the ball. Ever since little Xiao was born, I can count with my hands the times I have seen you at social gatherings” – a lady from the court, Soo-Young smiled softly as she took a sip from her glass of champagne.

“I don´t want to talk about that tonight Soo-Young” – Sehun answered as his eyes traveled around the dancing figures. Hopefully, he could find Park Chanyeol and his husband to fantasize a bit for the old time´s sake. Chatting with Soo-Young was not very entertaining for him, especially because he knew from experience how every word from his lips could be distorted with a very different tone in tomorrows breakfast at the palace. There were various couples dancing and smiling, he had a small mind game when he was bored. To recognize which smiles were fake and which were real, but recently they seemed to be very similar in form.

Yet, a special face grabbed his attention.

“Who is that?” – he asked Soo-Young, who was also following the dancers with judging glances. “That´s Kim Jongin, a rich, good-looking cavalry officer” – she responded immediately, showing she knew about everybody on that place.

“Isn´t he attractive? I ´ve heard that he was engaged to the daughter of a rich merchant who wanted to take them to America once the wedding celebrations were over, but he refused profusely. He said he would miss his horses too much”

Sehun snorted at such a ridiculous thing.  _ The things the court invented when half of the population were still trying to bring food to their cold homes. _ He thought, then he found himself staring at the said man, how he danced gracefully at the soft classical music. He had light brown hair and kind eyes. He was dancing with some old lady who could barely manage to follow his steps. He laughed without a care in the world, without worrying about what the others would say. That made him all the more charming and beautiful to look at. He then danced with the little daughters of a duchess, swinging them in his arms and Sehun´s heart just melted like a lit candle. His uniform of a light blue had bright decorations that shone with the light of the chandeliers over their heads. For a second his smiling eyes found Sehun´s and the man felt his heart drop.

Sehun looked away, and from the corner of his eye, he saw that the man was approaching his table. His breath got caught in his lungs and he stepped on his words. He tried to stand up and leave quickly to find Yixing, and get a carriage to return home and stay awake at night dreaming of another man´s beautiful face, but a voice made him turn around.

“Would you like to dance with me?” – Jongin gave him one of his dashing smiles and got what he asked for. In no time, Sehun found himself swirling around with Jongin. He experienced himself the talented dancer Kim Jongin indeed was. Yixing was a great dancer as well, having learned dance since he was a child, he had the heart and the rhythm to dance, he just didn’t have somebody to dance with. Sehun could find him dancing on his own when his husband believed he was alone. He wondered why he never danced with him in the same way. He figured he was just as unhappy as he himself was.

Jongin talked over the music and into Sehun´s heart. He made a small talk sound like a storybook. A light-hearted tale about how once his father managed to set their kitchen on fire for being impatient with the servants had become the funniest thing Sehun had heard in the last few months. Sehun was also incredibly interesting to Jongin´s eyes, his deep eyes were full of things to say, but that he kept to himself. His eyes not ever leaving his as he guided them into the melody of the instruments playing in the background of their conversation.

Once the music stopped, Sehun set himself free from Jongin´s gaze and straight into Yixing´s stone-like expression. He was standing a few meters away with a glass of rum and two new medals on his chest.

“I have to leave” – Sehun said and left Jongin in the middle of the ballroom, all alone.

Later that night, and after checking on his son´s room, Sehun was resting over their feather mattress, but could not fall asleep, his mind still wondering what would it be like to see Jongin again, if only from far away.


	2. Irene´s guest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sehun is invited to meet one of his sister´s suitors but gets too distracted over dinner to actually get to know anything about him. Or Sehun and Jongin realize their love lives are so not what they hoped for due to pressure from their families.

Sehun was the eldest of four siblings. After his father passed away from sickness when he was six, his mother was devastated. They used to live in a quiet village and his father was a simple factory worker. From the blurry images he remembers, he sees him coming late, grey factory uniform with black stains all over it and a tired smile. Apparently, there was a sort of infection running around the factory, due to its terrible hygienic conditions, there was very little to do once one got the sickness, he never got to see him fade away, as his mother used to call it. And he thinks it was for the better. To remember him as an energetic and strong man, and not an agonizing figure. He often wonders what would his father think of him from the heavens. Would he be proud of how he was raising his own son? Or Would he be happy he was so kindly accepted as part of a new family?

His mother got married to a very wealthy aristocrat, son of the cousin of the aunt of someone he didn´t really care to remember. Shortly after a lavish wedding, his mom welcomed a healthy little girl, Irene. Two years later they had a pair of girls, named Seulgi and Wendy. As the only boy in between three girls, he made sure to protect those three little girls from anyone who attempted to harm them in any way, this included boys of course. They still recall between laughs, how a boy tried to pull Seulgi´s braid in the second grade and Sehun almost burned a hole on the boy´s face. A threat was enough to send the child running far from Seulgi and Sehun. She was Sehun´s favorite sister, it was a secret of course.

The Oh family house was a few hours away from the Zhang household. A big house with two cherry trees in the entrance, just as he remembered from the last time he was there. The servants were coming out of the back of the place carrying dishes and crystal glasses, getting all set up for the dinner with general Kim Junmyeon.

Irene was twenty years old, a year younger than Sehun when he got married. His aunts and step-dad were determined to marry each of the family´s children with people of great influence in their country. This dinner was planned to introduce Irene to Junmyeon a general from the Guard Infantry division and hopefully set some sparks flying around the pair. Sehun´s aunts had good intentions but had no sense for actually telling how love actually looks like. He can´t blame them though, none of them had actually gotten married. His three younger sisters and his step-father were all that he had left since his mother passed away two years ago from a terrible sickness.

The carriage stopped and Sehun cleared his throat. Xiao Jun next to him watching curiously from the window. He walked out of it and went to the back of the carriage to take out the gifts from the back.

He held Xiao Jun´s hand tightly and knocked on the front the door. He heard loud talking inside the house and chuckled when he recognized Wendy and Seulgi´s voices.

“Sehun!” – his step-father opened the door with a large smile on his face. He hugged Sehun tightly and bent down to shake Xiao Jun´s hand, which the child enjoyed.

Wendy and Seulgi looked up from their doings as they saw Sehun and quickly stood up to greet him. Seulgi ignored her older brother and bent down to hug her godson.

“Yixing didn´t come” – Wendy sighed disappointedly as her hug with Sehun ended.

“He had work to do, but he sends his greetings” – Sehun smiled as he took out his coat to hang it in the back of the door.

The house remained almost the same, it had the same cinnamon smell his mother liked and almost all the furniture was in their original place. Seulgi was already playing with Xiao Jun from the laughs he heard. There were maids walking all around carrying various vases and plates. Wendy and Seulgi themselves were wearing beautiful dresses and their mother´s pearls looked even more pretty on them.

“Sehun!” – a voice called happily from upstairs and Irene walked downstairs in a beautiful red dress. “Oh, dear! You look like the spitting image of your mother” - their father said smiling. Sehun smiled fondly and received Irene´s tender hug happily.

“I was afraid you weren´t going to come” – Irene smiled at her older brother. “What´s wrong?” – she asked and Sehun felt like a deer in headlights. He denied anything was wrong, because actually nothing was, on the outside at least.

“Good” - Irene sighed relaxed, she kept fidgeting with one of the pendants on her bracelet, and Sehun saw she wasn´t good either.

“What is the matter?”- Sehun sat next to her on a long couch waiting for her answer. “I´m just very nervous for tonight” – “ You don´t have to marry anybody if you don´t want to. You must marry for love, and not for anyone else´s expectations or pressure, alright?” – Sehun did not want Irene, Wendy or Seulgi to go through his mistakes as their own too.

Wendy was playing swords with Xiao Jun a few meters away from them. Irene always thought Sehun was very lucky to have a nice home and a lovely family on his own, nobody could see through Sehun´s eyes that it all was a nicely painted illusion and not the real truth.

Yixing had always been respectful to Sehun, in and out of the house, but Sehun had always pictured himself in a different sort of relationship, one like the one his parents used to have before his dad´s passing. A kind of affectionate relationship. It was comforting to have Yixing though, he always knew what to say and casually smiled at Sehun´s light-hearted laughs when he played around with Xiao Jun. Sehun knew Yixing wasn´t a bad person, he was just collected and quiet. Sadly, most of the time, he was just met with a cold expression and closed arms.

“Sehun, what is it like to be in love?” – Seulgi heard their conversation and asked him smiling. When Sehun got married to Yixing she had just turned thirteen and idolized love like no one he had met before, except for himself perhaps.

Sehun didn´t really have any response for that question, so he was glad to hear his aunt announcing General Kim´s carriage had arrived at their front door.

There was a wave of excitement rushing through the first floor of the house, the three sisters fixed each other´s dresses and Irene´s dad opened the door, not after fixing his hair on the mirror next to the door to look presentable.

After the respective greetings, the Oh family was already at the table around roasted pork covered in exotic berries, flower vases of white orchids and drinking champagne and sweet wine, all too similar to the one held five years ago in the same table. Except, clearly for the little kid next to Sehun, who seemed pretty bored playing with the peas in his dish.

“So, General Kim you have just returned from Paris. What was it like?” – Sehun´s aunt asked in hopes of starting a fulfilling and interesting conversation. “I traveled there six months ago, and it was much more beautiful than I thought It would be” – Junmyeon smiled at Irene, and Seulgi bit her lip from smiling too obviously. Irene blushed and the older women looked at each other knowingly. Junmyeon proceeded to talk about the Eiffel tower while everybody paid great attention. The dinner went on to highlight Irene´s talented mind, explaining how she had been accepted in a prestigious University short time ago. Junmyeon was left impressed and was even more interested in Sehun´s sister.

Sehun kept looking at his glass of wine as he smiled when everybody else did too. Lost in thought, he kept trying to place Kim Jongin in his memories. How had he never seen him before? He was part of the Cavalry for the past four years, and he had been in infinite official ceremonies and not to count social events like weddings, baptisms, balls or funerals. He had first seen him dancing contently, and it was definitely better than first seeing him in a long line of officers or in the middle of a silent funeral, or with his past fiancé. Soo-Young, later explained it was a woman from a different country, with a foreign last name and an exotic appearance. From the southeast of Asia, she guessed.

 

"What are you thinking about Sehun? you have been lost in thought for most of the night" – Wendy asked as she took a sip of champagne. Everyone stared at Sehun waiting for his answer.

 

Sehun thought quickly - "I was thinking about the upcoming holidays. Christmas will be soon and Yixing was thinking of throwing a charity ball"

"With that fool's smile? I doubt it" – his step-father interfered, as he asked the maids for more wine.

"He was probably thinking about Xiao Jun" – Seulgi looked at the kid who was playing in the living room by himself.

"He has gotten so big, hasn't he?" – one of the aunts sighed adoringly.

"He'll be five in three months" – Sehun added smiling proudly.

"He looks so much like Sehun doesn't he?" – Irene pointed out and Junmyeon looked at her with a sweet smile.

"He resembles Yixing more" – Seulgi argued, she always liked Yixing. And it was true, probably their son ended up looking more like his husband than to him, but Sehun didn´t really give much attention to it, nor felt bad about it.

 

"Are you planning on having more kids?” – Junmyeon asked curiously, and everybody looked at him expectantly.

“We haven´t discussed it yet, maybe soon” – Sehun lied. Yixing was the one who wanted to have another one, a girl, but for them to actually bear a child, there are things they should do and that they don´t do very often.

“If you have a girl, you should name her Seulgi” – Seulgi suggested happily, and soon another topic was brought up.

 

Sehun remained lost in thoughts he´d deem as completely out of place if it weren´t for the fact that they felt nice. His mind kept replaying a montage of the dance he shared with Jongin that one night, weeks ago.  It only lasted a few minutes but had been the most memorable few minutes of his life. He probably didn´t even remember dancing with him, let alone meeting him.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, in the Kim family House, Kim Jongin was arguing once again with his father.

 

“You should have married Priya when you had the chance!” – his father screamed furiously at him, his face was red with anger. His son had again rejected another one of his father´s alternatives. “You said that Hyo-Yeon was too old, and that was Mina was too quiet. Do you even know what you want? At this pace, you are going to end old and die next to a pile of trash!” – Jongin listened to his father carefully with a tight jaw.  He knew this confrontation would come from the moment he decided to break up his engagement to Priya.

His mother was still very mortified from the sudden cancellation of the wedding, even though a good three weeks have passed. She had been asked to keep bed rest by the family doctor since she passed out when she heard Jongin refused to marry Priya.

“Stop yelling! I can hardly believe what just happened to us! We´ll be the gossip of the court” – his mother dried her tears with a silk handkerchief.

 

His father had found him various women throughout the years. But he seemed to reject every one of them for the pettiest details. But Jongin had his real reasons but knew his dad would never understand him.

 

The wedding with Priya, the daughter of an extremely wealthy merchant from India was going just as planned. The ceremony was all set up, the guests and the bride were all dressed up and many people arrived at one of the cities’ most beautiful churches. The carriage was waiting outside of the venue covered in beautiful flowers and there were even crowds of people hoping to catch a glimpse of the wedding.

 

Nobody counted that the groom would get cold feet, a few minutes away from the ceremony. His father wanted to kill him, and the entire family of the bride left the church raving mad. He had left his family at its lowest for the first time.

 

_Kim Jongin, became a cavalry officer because that was his father´s career and his grandfather´s before him. He would have chosen to do anything else, but choosing was not really in the vocabulary when it came to his family´s traditions._

 

_Just as so was his upcoming marriage. The tie felt too tight around his neck and his heart was beating terribly fast. His father came inside his changing room with a satisfactory smile on his face. “Do you need help with your suit, son?”_

_Like any father, he believed he was doing what was best for his only son. Finding him a wife was the perfect way to begin a new and much more strong economic alliance with Priya´s ridiculously rich family, and a great way to secure his future role as a doting grandfather._

_It all went burning down when he realized Jongin was taking too much time in the bathroom. He went to look for him, he knocked various times on the door. At the seventh knock, he became suspicious. With help from three of Priya´s older brothers, he broke the door, only to find that the dashing groom had left through the bathroom´s wide window that was now opened._

 

“When will you stop pressuring me to fix your decaying business?” – that rude yell earned Jongin a slap across the face, the cries of his mom got louder and his father immediately regretted it, but it was too late and Jongin left his room. And rushed downstairs, got his coat and hat.

“I will sleep at Minseok´s tonight” – Jongin announced when he was at the door.

“What did we do to deserve a son like that?” – Jongin´s mom lamented through her muffled cries - “I´m starting to think he doesn´t care about us”

Jongin´s father hugged her and still felt his heart heavy from all the yelling and the bad outcome of the fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, Comment and thanks for reading!


	3. Cold Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sehun finds some revealing letters and Jongin is falling harder for him.

 

“What you did at the wedding was very surprising, to say the least” – Minseok handed Jongin a cup of tea.

“I should have never agreed in the first place” – Jongin sighed as Minseok closed the windows to avoid the snow from getting inside his house. “But you know what? I could never imagine myself with her. Sure, she is beautiful, but I would have never loved her as a husband should”

“Please Jongin, you didn´t make _her_ a favor, you saved yourself” – Minseok chuckled as he took a sip of his cup.

“I saved us _both_ , imagine how unhappy we would have been” – Jongin saw his friend´s dog and put him in his lap, stroking its soft fur.

Minseok´s house was close to his parent´s house, but it was way warmer and smaller. With a faint scent of peppermint emanating from it.

“You can only stay for tonight, Ji-Hyo´s mother will be arriving tomorrow. She´s coming to help with the baby and all that”

Minseok had gotten married long ago, and a few months ago, he became a dad. Jongin was in a different city at the time but had managed to send him a pretty dress for his god-daughter to wear in her baptism.

“You said you didn´t want kids. Now look at you, a family man with a beautiful wife and with a little girl” - Jongin pointed out smiling and Minseok looked at him with an aching heart.

“This is what I want for you too, Jongin. To settle down and start a family”

“Everything at its time dear friend. First I have to meet _the_ _one_ ” – Jongin said easily.

“Don´t start with that again” – Minseok groaned.

“Why not? To marry someone, you have to be in love!” – Jongin exclaimed smiling.

“Of course, but you are looking for perfection in the body of a human, all flawed by nature, don’t you think that is why you´ve never connected with any of the women your father brings you?”

“I´ll know it when I _meet_ the right person. You don´t have to worry about me, we are not in school anymore” – Jongin let the dog wander away from his arms.

“I just worry, Jongin. Goodnight” – Minseok took both teacups and left them in the sink, he was too tired to wash them. He also handed him a blanket.

“Thanks, for everything”

Minseok rolled his eyes at his friend and went to sleep in his room, leaving Jongin to sleep in his couch.

 

 

 

“Where are you two going so early?” - Sehun´s aunt asked the pair of siblings as they rushed through the door. The rest of the family was just about to get breakfast, but Seulgi and Sehun had eaten before they even woke up

“We´ll be going to the local fair!” - Seulgi beamed and closed the door behind her gently.

“Thank God we made it out of there” - Sehun took Xiao Jun in his arms and Seulgi linked her arm with his. They were greeted with the cold weather of winter and snow was already falling over their jet-black hair.

“There are so many things I want to see! There will probably be new books and dresses” - Seulgi and Sehun used to go to the fair with their mother when they were younger. They would ask for books and toys. Seulgi still kept her pretty porcelain dolls on her room.

They got inside of the carriage and Seulgi put her godson on her lap. “Look at that horse!” - she kept pointing out things out of the window and Xiao-Jun looked at them with wonder in his wide sparkling eyes.

The fair was shining with bright lights that could be seen from far away. They walked around for a few minutes, looking at the newest items for sale. Various magazines brought from distant cities, many boxes of Indian tea, meters of silk from Africa and special editions of classic novels.

Sehun found himself alone after Seulgi left with Xiao Jun to buy fresh roses. He was trying to keep himself entertained by looking at some books until he saw him.

Kim Jongin was standing next to a Was this real or was he just imagining it?

“Count Oh!” - Jongin waved at him and smiled radiantly. He walked over to him and started a small conversation about the cold weather, ironically enough, while blushing _._

“What brings you here?” - Sehun was about to respond when Seulgi came up to him and told him she _lost_ Xiao-Jun - “How did you lose him?!”

“He let go of my hand for a moment and I can´t find him” – Seulgi´s eyes were filled with fear.

“How could you be so irresponsible!” – Sehun´s heart threatened to get out of his chest. He started to walk around the place and ask the merchants, but nobody had a clue about where could Xiao Jun be.

“I´ll help you find him” – Jongin offered and his eyes traveled around the crowded place.

Seulgi followed Sehun and Jongin scared. She could never forgive herself if they didn´t find Xiao Jun.

“There he is!” – Jongin exclaimed and pointed at a frozen lake in the distance. A little form trying to stand up on the slippery floor.

Sehun rushed to the child and hugged him, relieved. Seulgi felt like breathing again and Jongin smiled at Sehun.

“Thank you so much Officer Kim” – Sehun shook his hand and smiled. Jongin felt some type of tingling rush over him.

“It was nothing” – he assured Sehun. He bent to be at the boy´s height and squeezed his cheek softly, gesture to which the baby laughed with his adorable baby voice - “Now stay safe little one”. “Goodbye,” he vowed to Sehun and Seulgi and left to continue getting stuff for Minseok, as a form of repaying him for allowing him to stay the night before.

He thought of Sehun as he got inside the carriage to his friend´s home. How nice his handshake felt, he hoped Sehun hadn´t noticed him drooling over him mentally.

 

 

 

When Sehun got to his room, he closed the door and breathed out heavily. He sat on the edge of his side of the bed and thought of the events of a few hours before.

 _You shouldn’t be thinking about Jongin anymore. It has been fun, but it´s enough_ \- He thought to himself.

He looked at himself in the mirror. _Married Sehun, you are married, stop fantasizing with him._

After lunch, he accompanied Xiao Jun to the garden to play. It was covered in glimmering snow and the perfect place to make snowmen. Somehow, the child found various small insects Sehun tried to throw off of his son´s hands. “We don´t play with that, okay?”

Sehun taught his son how to make snowballs, a bad move since Xiao Jun quickly made many and started to throw them around happily.

“Be careful” – Somehow a snowball had fallen into Yixing´s treasured rose bush. Sehun cursed mentally and went to see if any harm was made. Thankfully, no stem or branch seemed damaged, yet a small shiny thing called his attention in between the brown dirt.

He knocked on it and figured it was bigger. He made the gardener take it out, without harming the roses. It was a medium sized box, all covered in dirt.

He got inside the house and opened it. It had at least fifteen white envelopes inside all signed by the same name, which was written in very unclear calligraphy, a few dried flowers, and other random items. He wondered why was it buried, and why precisely under Yixing´s precious rose bush.

He took an envelope, it was already opened.

 

_Friday, April 3rd, 1913_

_Dear Yixing_

 

_When was the last time you came to visit me? It was probably before the summer. In all this time, I thought about all the good times we spent together. And came to the pleasant conclusion that my love for you hasn´t changed through the years. If I close my eyes, I can still picture you by my side in the middle of the college´s library, many years ago, reading some old dusty books, with your hand intertwined with mine. Do you remember how you used to pluck those flowers from the garden of our history teacher to give them to me? I still keep all the letters you sent me, and they even smell like you. I miss the soft touch of your hands on me on a warm night, the taste of your lips and the way we used to dance together. All of these, have a permanent place in my memory._

_I was heartbroken to hear that your parents sent you away from me to marry some other man. How could I ever recover from such pain, Yixing? I know many people Wishes to set us apart, but I won't let them. And I know you feel the same. One day we´ll be together and I´ll make you the happiest person in this world._

 

_All my love forever, Jongdae._

 

_\---- -------- -------- -------- -------- -------- -------- --------_

Sehun stood there, imagining the words coming to life. They used to dance together, spend nights together and even went to college together. Yixing never mentioned he had been with another man before him. His face drained of all its color at the last sentence written in the old paper. All my love forever.

Next to the letter, inside the envelope was a photograph. It was also stained with dirt and seemed wrinkled on the corners. A picture of Yixing and said man. They were in what appeared to be a farm. Yixing had a rare but sincere smile and was looking at who apparently was named Jongdae. He was just as he imagined him, bright and good-looking.

_\---- -------- -------- -------- -------- -------- -------- --------_

 

_Sunday, 2nd May 1913_

_Dearest Yixing_

 

_I can´t even remember what life was before meeting you, it must have been a very boring existence. You have taught me many things about love I didn´t know I needed to know. Before meeting you, it was all silent and when you came into my life you changed it forever. You taught me how to dance, how to calculate the distance between the sun and the moon and how to be happy. All I ever wanted, I see in your eyes. Please come home soon, so that we can finally announce our romance to my family. Nothing could make me happier than being by your side forever Yixing, my greatest love._

 

_Best wishes, Jongdae._

_\---- -------- -------- -------- -------- -------- -------- --------_

The letters sounded strangely intimate, like if he was intruding in these love conversations. He always thought love letters were only to be read by its receiver and writer, but curiosity was stronger than him. He felt betrayed, he fell into his knees and a few tears came out of his eyes. He was jealous of how much love that man had received from Yixing, unlike himself even after various years together. Most of the letters were still unopened, and he couldn't bring himself to read any more love letters.

 

Sehun dried his tears with a handkerchief and went upstairs to Yixing´s office.

 

"What is this? Who is that Jongdae that wrote you fifteen letters in only five months?" – Sehun dropped the box over Yixing´s desk, where he was writing a report.

Yixing looked up at him confused and when his eyes saw the box opened showing letters, he sighed and closed his eyes regretfully.

“These are letters are dated before our marriage. They were written by a man I once knew. I buried them with those pictures because they don´t belong in my life anymore. Now that I´m married, it makes no sense to keep thinking about them.”

Sehun took out one of the pictures of Jongdae and showed it to Yixing. “Do you have any idea where he is now?”

Yixing let out a heavy sigh and took the picture. Kim Jongdae, son of two farmers, spent his life surrounded by golden wheat plantations. His father´s aunt died and with a fabulous inherited fortune, he sent Jongdae to study to the city. There he met Yixing, son of the Count of a far-away region, seated with his nose deep into very boring books. They fell in love like young lovebirds, but their romance was ultimately shattered the day Yixing´s mother realized her only son had plans of marrying a peasant, not caring if he was a very bright lawyer. She immediately ordered a list with possible suitors for her son. The first name on the list was Oh Sehun.

Jongdae´s heart was broken and wished to die when he found out Yixing´s husband was carrying a child of their own. He fell deeply into a terrible depression, years later, he died of cholera on a very hot night one summer many years ago. Yixing heard about his death from one of his professors that had come to his house in a cold night.

“He died three years ago, a disease took over the town he lived in. Half of the people perished”

Sehun immediately felt like a terrible person. He removed the waters of a very upsetting event in Yixing´s past.

A heavy silence was almost deafening.

“You have no trust in me, do you Sehun?” – Yixing asked as he regained his posture and closed the box.

“It´s hard to trust someone you hardly know” – Sehun said looking at him coldly. “Ever since we got together, I´ve hardly heard your stories or things about you. I had to get this off of the dirt in our garden for you to tell me this important fact about you!” – Sehun´s voice was cracking and his fists were tight.

“There are things that are better kept out of a marriage. This would have only brought you and me unnecessary suffering”

“Next time, you should bury your secrets better” – Sehun left the room mad and hurried downstairs. Various servants were listening carefully to the fight upstairs.

Sehun groaned.

The maids offered him his coat, but he refused and closed the door behind him _“What could be colder than this place?”_

 

 

 

“I still don´t get why you pamper your horses that much. Getting a meal during the middle of the night” – Jongin said shivering, he was freezing, his lips were already chapped and there were a few snow particles in his hair.

“I read somewhere it helped them to get stronger during the winter. And besides, you should be glad I´m helping you”. Junmyeon carried a heavy box filled with hay for his five pure blooded beauties, Jongin was carrying two smaller ones with both arms. “Besides, if it weren´t for me, you´d have to beg you father for forgiveness and marry another bride of his endless list”

“Don´t remind me of that issue” – Jongin rolled his eyes, they walked a few meters, but with the ferocious cold weather, he felt like they had walked for miles. The stable was big enough to hold many animals.

“Hi, there!” – Junmyeon petted the heads of his horses tenderly- “Look at what we have here” he showed the buckets to the horses with a toothy smile. Jongin couldn´t help but feel heartened over the sight before him.

“Let´s give them dinner” – Junmyeon instructed his cousin.

Jongin fed the horses and told Junmyeon about his recent encounter with Oh Sehun that morning. Junmyeon could hear the smile in his voice as he told him.

“So, his son got lost in the middle of the fair?” – Junmyeon asked a bit worried.

“Yeah, but I found him, he was close to a frozen lake where other kids were skating. He is the most adorable child I have seen. He resembles his father” – Jongin smiled fondly at the memory.

“Count Sehun _Zhang,_ you mean? – Junmyeon stated bringing him back to reality.

“There is no way he would be interested in you Jongin. He is _married_ , and besides, what do you have to offer him, as a cavalry officer. Nothing I´m afraid” – Jongin rolled his eyes at his cousin´s discourse.

“I´m just fantasizing. I would never be involved with him, I´ll just have to content myself with seeing his beautiful being from far away”- Jongin joked as he passed his fingers through the neck of one of the horses

“His sister is prettier” – Junmyeon said as he brushed the hair of one of the animals. “That girl you met the other day is Sehun´s sister?” – Jongin asked surprised.

“The world is a small place Jongin” – Junmyeon blew the candle that lit up the stable and walked out the door.

“Let´s go, it´s already very late”

 

 

 

Sehun asked his chauffeur to take him to the town square. He still couldn´t forget the contents of the letters. _All my love forever_. He clenched his jaw in rage. So, Yixing gave all that love to some other man and had never gotten Sehun flowers or letters or words of affection.

He always thought one could only fall in love one in their life. And now, it seemed clear, Yixing had already found that person, and it wasn´t him, it was never him. No matter how much Sehun wanted to believe Yixing just wasn´t a very vocal person. He did not love him, at all.

All the love he had to give way, like he said, buried, and dead with his past lover.

Sehun got to the town square, trying to not get recognized by anyone. He walked around and after a few minutes, he found himself seated on a bench with a candy apple in his right hand, staring at how some kids scared the poor pigeons away.

 

 

 

Jongin convinced Junmyeon to show him around town, and the older couldn´t refuse to his favorite cousin´s wishes. At some point, Junmyeon had found some old acquaintances from the Infantry and Jongin left them alone, decided to walk around by himself.

He got the middle of the town square, some merchants selling last-minute snow clothes, _in case one forgot it was freezing outside_ Jongin thought to himself.

He watched as the kids jumped to try to frighten some birds and smiled at the relative calm of the scenery. It was not long before he spotted a certain black-haired man on the other side of the square town. 

He got closer and sat beside Sehun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Two hearts

_“There are as many loves as there are hearts” – Lev Tolstoy_

 

He sat beside Sehun, already sensing something was upsetting him.

“Count Oh, what are you doing here this late?” – Jongin asked giving him one of his charming smiles.

“I wanted to clear my head about something” – Sehun said as he fidgeted with the wrapper of the candy apple he had on his hands.

“I´m here to see the place. It´s my first time in the city” – Jongin smiled.

“It´s a great place. You´ll not get bored” Sehun sighed

“I hope so” – Jongin said looking at Sehun.

“My cousin brought me here but got too caught up talking with other people. Would you show me around?” – Jongin asked with a hopeful look in his eyes.

After thinking it through, Sehun replied “Gladly”

They walked to the market with a significative distance between them. Jongin was marveled by the beautiful things the merchants were selling. “Look at this count Oh” – he put on a mask shaped like the wings of a butterfly. Sehun smiled.

As they were walking, people vowed to Sehun and he smiled back, not wanting to talk to any of them. Their only conversation themes were about how the war is getting worse or about some unimportant gossip.

“What is that place?” – Jongin asked with his hands full of things he bought from the merchants. He pointed to an abandoned building.

“That´s an old theatre. The mayor wants to wreck it and turn it into a school” – Sehun really wanted it to keep being the theatre because when he first moved to the city after his wedding, the only place where he could sneak to without the maids finding out was there.

“It´s a shame, it´s very pretty” – Jongin sighed.

“It was built by a prince long ago, as a gift for his daughter when she was born” – Sehun found out about the story from Soo Young, during the times in which he still trusted her. Their tsar had two children, princess Jeong Yeon, and prince Jaehyun.

Jongin crossed the street and walked to the front of the theatre. Sehun followed him, he knew they couldn´t get inside, even though it would be fun. He also had to get back home, his chauffeur was probably freezing waiting for him.

“Let´s see it” – Jongin tried to open the front door, but it was closed on the inside. Before Sehun could persuade him to leave, Jongin´s eyes shone with an idea “Maybe it has a backdoor” – he took Sehun´s hand and hurried to the back of the building.

“I mean, it´s already pretty late, so- “- Sehun tried to leave, but Jongin convinced him to stay with an “It will be just a few minutes” and a bright smile.

The backdoor was barely closed, suddenly Sehun thought about the possibility of rats or insects living there and cringed. Jongin took his hand.

When Jongin saw it from the inside, he was at awe. It had a beautiful stage and a sea of soft velvet chairs leading to it. From its state of abandonment, pale soft flowers were growing through the cracks of the wooden floors. The light coming from the moon fell into various paintings broken paintings that unable to be saved, where left there to rot.

Jongin immediately hurried to the stage. He walked up the stairs and Sehun was worried the sound of the squeaky wood would give them away. He walked following the cavalry officer.

Jongin was in the stage, seeing the entire theatre. If he thought it was a beauty from the outside, then it was heaven from the inside. There was an endless sea of seats and the high roof with a half-broken chandelier hanging from it. _The second most beautiful thing he had seen_ – he turned to Sehun. “Come up!” – Jongin offered his hand to pull Sehun into the stage.

Which Sehun accepted doubtfully.

“What a great gift. You are probably used to get things like this as well since you are a Count” – Jongin sat on the stage and Sehun did the same.

“You mean like getting a cow named after me?” – Sehun rolled his eyes smiling.

A farmer was so excited to welcome the flashing Count Yixing and his husband into his farm that he decided to name a baby calf after him, and a baby chick was named after Yixing.

“I´m sure it gets all the prizes at its local fair” – Jongin joked.

“Probably” – Sehun touched the soft velvet of the carpet over the stage wood.

“Will you take me to see it one day?” – Jongin asked giving Sehun a fond look. Sehun was surprised by his boldness.

“One day, maybe” – Sehun stood up before Jongin could see him blush.

After a few minutes of taking about Jongin´s dear horse Amelia, both were ready to leave the place.

“This place will take a lot of time to see fully” – Jongin had a great idea – “Let´s meet here again tomorrow” – Jongin asked hopeful and Sehun looked away.

“What are we, kids?” – Sehun asked getting a little far and biting his lip. Jongin got closer smiling softly, and Sehun´s heart was about to explode.

“Just like kids” – Jongin kissed Sehun shortly.

 

And Sehun thought about it for the whole way back.

 

 

 

Three years ago, Yixing had just finished reading the first chapter of a new book he got from his father when he heard the bell ring. Soon, one of the maids knocked on the door of his studio.

“Come in” – Yixing closed his book guessing it was probably someone looking for him.

“Sr, there´s a man looking for you”

Yixing went down the stairs mentally checking who would it be. When Yixing saw him, he smiled.

“Professor Kang” – Yixing shook his hand, the man used to be his literature professor when he was in college studying politics. He used to love his classes since he adored reading. He hardly ever reminisced about college, partly because he was too busy and also because remembering the time he spent with Jongdae was very painful, to say the least. Yet he could recall very good memories from that man.

“Yixing,” – The man took off his round metallic glasses and looked for something in his briefcase – “I´m afraid I didn´t come to bring good news” He seemed upset, but Yixing didn´t even imagine what he was about to find out.

The man gave Yixing a letter.

-

_Yixing stared at Jongdae as he gently pressed his thumbs through his knuckles. They were lying on Jongdae´s bed after their last night together. The air was still warm and Jongdae was still trying to catch his breath._

_"When will you be leaving tomorrow?"_

_"At sunrise. Mom arranged the pre-wedding dinner for tomorrow night"_

_"Where does she think you are now?" – Jongdae´s head was resting over his chest._

_"Sleeping, back in my father's house" - Yixing's parents divorced when he was five and has been leaving half of the year with each of them since then._

_Jongdae buried his nose deeper in Yixing's neck. Breathing in his particular scent and cherishing the last moments they would have together._

_"We could run away" - Jongdae said out of nowhere – “No one has to know. You´ll be a writer and I´ll get a job as a lawyer. We could go anywhere”_

_-_

 

Yixing took a knife to open letters and got the piece of paper out of the envelope. As he read it his clear expression turned into a pained one.

**The imperial health administration declares Kim Jongdae dead the morning of the fifth of May of 1915. Died from a severe case of cholera in his parents’ home.**

His heart almost stopped beating. His hands started to shake silently, breath caught on his lungs. He felt like he was drowning and getting out of air at the same time. His professor must have seen this and softly patted his back.

“I´m terribly sorry you had to find out like this” – The man left the house and Yixing felt like his soul had left his body. Quickly, it all became cloudy, his head was spinning with the words “ _This is my fault_ ”

-

_If he closed his eyes, and concentrate he could hear the voice of Jongdae singing him to sleep. If he inhaled deeply, he could smell the scent of lemon Jongdae had._

-

He thought about the possibility of Jongdae still being alive if he didn´t leave him. But it was something he would never get to know.

That week, he arranged a trip to Jongdae´s town. From the carriage, people walking all dressed in black. The place was uncharacteristically quiet, except for the bells of the church.

The town remained just as he remembered, with maroon roads and golden hills. Jongdae´s parents' house looked the same, except for the way the rose bush that was next to the door had wilted.

He walked up to the local cemetery. He only went there once, with him, to pay their respects to one of his deceased uncles. Being there, Jongdae took Yixing to his grandfather´s grave. There he introduced Yixing to his loved grandfather.

-

_“This is Yixing. He´s a wonderful man. I´m the happiest I´ve ever been with him” – Jongdae smiled looking to the gravestone, believing with all his heart that his grandfather’s spirit was there listening and smiling at them._

_Yixing blushed like a child at the sudden love declaration, especially because there weren´t the only ones in the cemetery._

_-_

He dropped the flowers when he saw Jongdae´s name written in a black tombstone, and next to it, his grandad´s.

He couldn´t bring himself to touch it. His hand was trembling, he knew he could break at any moment then. _In the grave of the love of his life_ he thought. When he finally touched the cold stone, he felt a heaviness fall over his shoulders. And ever since, he has lived believing things could have been different if it weren´t for his stupid actions in life.

When he left the cemetery, he realized he would never love anyone the way he loved Jongdae.

When he got home and to his bedroom, he saw from the door frame, Sehun with baby Xiao Jun in his arms, he felt tears coming back, tears of guilt.

After a lot of internal thinking he came to the conclusion that, as a phrase he read in a book, _there are not two loves that are alike._

He used loved Jongdae, and he would always remember him.

But he was married to Sehun, and he was infinitely thankful to him for giving him a family. He loved him, but differently, in a less passionate way, but in a true way nonetheless. If only Sehun could see it.


End file.
